Who pops to mind? We can all relate to this characterization of personalities at work otherwise the phrase wouldn’t be relatable. Right?
To begin with, please know we use this term with sincerest and genuine affection - to torture an oft-repeated theme in these offerings - there are reasons for everything: even problem children.
We ALL can be problem children - we all are in some circles.
What does it mean? Taking the time to understand each others’ sometimes differing beliefs, divergences in approaches, viewpoints, world views, intentional or unintentional biases, how we “do things,” and are we introverts or extroverts? We all bring preconceptions with us to work. But, what if our office neighbor doesn’t share them and has a completely different set of standards, work ethics and values? What if their method of communication is contrary to ours? What if their priorities contrast with ours and are peculiar to us? Do we simply label them as “problems” or do we seek to understand the nexus of the differing behavior and refocus on the task, project or directive at hand? Is it easier to put people with nutty, offbeat or painful standpoints (in our opinion!) in a simple box and label them as problem children? Easier, maybe - but does it accomplish the goals of a shared, mutually beneficial outcome (whatever that outcome may be)? Not to belabor the point: we’re human beings, folks! We don’t stop becoming humans when we become employees
We ALL want to be seen, heard, known and understood, both professionally and personally. This gets sticky when we demonize or vilify the “other” and label them as problems.
At work, we are confined to business rules, standards and norms - no one wants to piss anyone else off, ruffle feathers or, at worst, get fired. But how do we navigate our humanness with all our individual and professional perspectives? Are we recognizing that we each carry with us different approaches to life and work? Are we taking the time to know ourselves well enough to help our colleagues discern and develop an understanding of our attitudes, intentions and belief systems? Are we comfortable enough in our own skins not to take an opposing position personally? Are we asking each other enough to help us understand why we behave as we do, why we approach situations, challenges or interactions differently?
Businesses are a unique animal to the extent that management chooses who we share air with based on common goals of business direction, skill sets, objectives and intentions. Individually, we can decide who we choose to interact with - not so in the workplace. It’s our job to figure out how to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of working with people we might not align with us methodically.
There are, of course, some people who are just angry, disinterested, and unhappy in the world - plainly disinterested in finding common ground, mutual understanding or resolution, which is sad and frankly above FIG’s paygrade. But for those of us who are genuinely befuddled, irritated or kerplutzed by a colleague's behavior or actions, how about asking: “Can you help me understand your perspective?”or, “I’m curious to know how and why you arrived at that conclusion?” or “I worry that that course of action may not benefit our collective goal.” Why not, instead of writing off a curious or - in your opinion - odd action or perceived belief as just “idiotic” or problematic, ask some variation of these questions of them, then help them understand why and how your views differ?
What separates human beings from all other species on earth is our accessibility to use language (words) and the capacity for critical (not judgemental!) thinking. We believe humans can say anything to anyone using the right time, tone, intention and words. But are we creating the space for ourselves to think through what we want to say, how we want to deliver the message, how we hope it will be received and what the anticipated outcome will be?
A dear, dear friend of mine, Lisa, is a New York based international art dealer who works closely with agents in the art world who will alert her and her partners to works that will become available for representation (we’re talking masterpieces in some cases!). Lisa is gentile, cultured, mannered and steeped in the centuries-old traditions of art representation (which some might call antediluvien - but I digress). One agent she works with is a young international newcomer to the art world who has an enormous amount of potential as a resource and partner. But she was a pain in the ass to work with: young, brash, pushy, zero savvy with regards to differences culturally and, well, just plain rude. The absolute antithesis of the old school art community in which my Lisa practices. But boy did she have great contacts in lucrative communities around the world! We talked through this conundrum, intentionally and consciously trying to figure out how to work with this excruciating personality and salvage the partnership. Lisa wrote down all of her (unedited!) complaints, which she then wordsmithed to make more palatable and then, with specific examples, asked for a meeting at a time she believed her messages would be well-received. She delivered her observations in a calm, direct, kind-hearted manner, the only intention being to educate this young dealer on how she presented, how she was perceived and how her behavior was received in her world. Suffice it to say her young counterpart had no idea about any of these things and wept with thanks for the kind and wise counsel. Important to note: Lisa was not trying to bitch-slap, hurt feelings or put this newcomer in her “place;” she was merely attempting to help this young woman succeed, which was not likely to be on her current course in her chosen field.
Look, we’re not suggesting that we all become “politeness police.” We are merely illustrating an effective strategy for delivering tough messages: honor your true feelings, unedited, choose your words carefully, pick a time and a place where your words will be received and deliver them with the best intentions. Happy to report: the partnership survived and is indeed thriving.
Until next time……..