Anyone out there have trouble asking for help? Yeah, us too.
As we tend to do at FIG, we wondered why is this simple request so fraught with hesitancy, reluctance and inaction? We ALL can use some help sometimes and, we hate to be the bearer of bad news, we’re ALL human and NONE of us have all the answers to everything - seriously, we’re not kidding. This blows up our cavalier notion that we “should” be able to find an answer, “should” be able to figure a way out of a challenging situation, “should” know how to extricate ourselves from a tricky situation, “should” know the right words or pick the right time to have a difficult conversation, “should” know how to look for a job fresh out of college, “should” be able to understand a confusing concept, “should” know how to approach someone we don’t know and strike up a conversation, “should” be able to understand mystifying situations… “should;” “should;” “should.” Silly you, why don’t you know what you don’t know? My Dad has a saying: “Age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.” While somewhat cynical, he may, in fact, be on to something. Said more charitably, age, wisdom and experience are the supreme gifts of maturity and living life, and are meant to be shared. Why not benefit from some of THAT? Asking for help will oftentimes paralyze us, but why?
The short answer: Not knowing or understanding something causes us to feel vulnerable, scared, un-knowledgeable, unprotected and possibly deficient in some way, none of which feel great and taps in to a most human characteristic of wanting to avoid the feeling (think: plugging your ears, squeezing your eyes shut and chanting “la la la la la”). The thing is, we all have things we don’t know or things we do need help with and the chances that someone else has lived through (and survived!) a similar situation are pretty high indeed - no, really! Chances are - someone else in your orbit has experienced, if not the same, then certainly a similar puzzlement, conundrum, or dilemma as you’re facing, and in all likelihood, might just be able to offer some guidance. Chances are - you may not be that special to have a thoroughly rare or exclusive purple squirrel of a problem that no one else on the planet has ever experienced and survived. Chances are - you may not be the first person in the universe to feel timid about showing that you don’t know everything (you’re not). Chances are - you don’t know what you don’t know, and someone might just be able to pull back the curtain to help you uncover exactly what it is you don’t. Seriously, we need to get over ourselves and just ask for help. Nobody likes it, but we ALL need to from time to time. But WHO to ask? To begin with, it MUST be someone you respect, trust, believe in, admire, and all importantly, is safe. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of asking someone something and have been told, “What an idiotic question,” or some variation of the same (these are NOT safe people, these are judgemental condescending people who probably need not be in your life to begin with, but I digress). To show vulnerability, a solid profound and secure relationship (see what we did there?) is imperative. To know, trust and admire someone takes time and sometimes years to build on and truly believe you can trust one another to share the intimate, confusing inner workings of situations and flummoxes we all have. The thought of being shot down and labeled as an idiot is part of the fear that keeps us from opening up about our worries, difficulties or concerns. Believing that the person from whom you’re seeking counsel will be able to offer gentle, nonjudgmental, deliberate advice and who will take your concerns as seriously as you do is crucial and has the added benefit of building the confidence it’ll take to ask for help again at another time (we don’t just need help once in our lives!). The truth is, it feels pretty damn great to be asked for help. In doing so, you’re telling that person you value their opinion, you have faith in their consultation and have hope that they will be able to offer some direction on how to move forward in getting unstuck from your anxiety or predicament. All wonderful things and lovely compliments to a person.
During year 3 of FIG’s existence, I was struggling mightily with how to market our curriculum given that it was entirely new conceptually to the business coaching/advising world. I was well and truly stuck and hated the feeling of missing something - but I just couldn’t get unstuck. I put on my big girl panties and invited my wonderful mentor, herself an amazing entrepreneur who created a wholly unique and wildly successful business market (not to mention she’d seen the evolution of FIG from the beginning) to lunch and fessed up to my struggles. I’ll never forget her words: she leaned forward, elbows on the table, chin on her hands and said with a smile, “I’m so glad you finally asked for help.” (Which was humbling, as it had taken some time to realize I needed help.) We talked it through - the challenges, obstacles and stumbling blocks FIG was facing and, whaddya know? Through our discussion and her gentle guidance, experience and expertise, we untangled FIG’s Gordian Knot and well, here we are today.
We learn, grow, and become accomplished by recognizing our weak points as well as our strengths, by getting over the arrogance of believing we know everything or that we’re failures if we don’t (Google is great but not for understanding what we don’t know or don’t even know what search word to use), and having a support system of wise expertise to draw upon - that “age and treachery” part. Allowing loyal, dependable and credible people to see our vulnerabilities, real or perceived, is a gift we can and, dare I say, must involve in our lives. Nobody knows everything and to continue to expand, develop and evolve we gotta ask for help and guidance sometimes.
“Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don't know something, and to learn something new.” - Barack Obama
Until next time…...