Benevolence…….We worry about the lack of kindness in our world today. We worry that we have become so accustomed to assuming the worst from our fellow humans, that we have forgotten about affection and cordiality. We worry that the belief that the intentions of our fellow humans have become so polluted with expectations of the worst possible meanings or outcomes, that we’re forgetting about tenderness, patience, altruism and gentleness. We worry that we are becoming numb to generosity, compassion, consideration, or concern for others, without expecting praise or reward, and that this standard is becoming pervasive. It’s a lot to worry about.
These days, we have become so ensconced in our own spheres, our own world views, interacting largely with our “own people,” reading only “our news,” and connecting only with “our friends” on social media. This last year in pandemic life has only made it much, much worse. As we begin to emerge, blinking like moles experiencing sunlight for the first time in over a year, we wanted to talk about remembering kindness. And it’s the dearth of the forgetfulness we worry about.
Fear manifests in so many variations, the most widely understood as “fight or flight:” a physiological response or reaction to an event that is perceived as stressful or frightening. The perception of threat activates the sympathetic nervous system and triggers an acute stress response that prepares the body to fight or flee. This neurological, parasympathetic response helps to keep us safe, but what we choose to do with the biological call to action is up to us. Do we react in anger and aggression or with kindness, giving the offence the benefit of the doubt? Or do we react with fighting or fleeing? The urge to fight off a perceived enemy or threatening situation, or run away as far and as quickly as possible, is clearly biologically hard wired into us as a humanity, but are we mindful enough to understand the physiology and convert the response into an intentional, thoughtful action based on the human need for kindness, understanding and compassion?
Fear of the unknown is worse than anything: we don’t know what we’re fighting or fleeing from.
Conversation, interaction, social situations, business interactions can all be fraught with fearful possibilities. On social media, we have no control over other peoples’ reactions, vitriol, attacks, or shaming. When we’re out in the world - finally! - we have no say in how people might react to, what we consider to be, an innocent mistake. But are we considering these “affronts'' as simply a blunder or miscalculation or are we assuming ill intent, or worse, a threat?
A couple of weeks ago, I was on my way to the grocery store, stopped at a stop sign and began my turn into the intersection. As I began to move, a bicyclist came out of nowhere, crossing the path of my car. Naturally, I slammed on the brakes so as not to hit her, heart racing at the near miss. As she passed the front of my vehicle, she slowed down, rode by looking at me with a look that would kill if it were a weapon, and then continued her venomous stare looking over her shoulder well down the street. Obviously, she had been as frightened about being hit as I was about the possibility of hitting her. The reason this exchange stood out was the intensity of the furiosity she emanated. I really believe she would have thrown down with me given the opportunity. Do I blame her for being scared? Of course not! It took me a while to quiet my physiologically, fear induced shaking as well! What was alarming was how angry she appeared.
Was it my intention to drive to the grocery store and identify an unsuspecting bicycle rider to hit? Of course not! It was a mistake! A blunder! A blind spot in the road! But her leap to assume that this driver was out to cause this woman harm in any way is what stood out, and I felt sad. Sad that I didn’t have the opportunity to apologise, sad that, even if I did, she might have punched me, and sad that she was so obviously angry and fearful.
At FIG, we often reflect on the five Gatekeepers of Speech, interpreted from Buddhist teachings:
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it beneficial? Is it necessary? Is it the right time?
These help ground and guide us in interactions with colleagues, clients and friends. Our approaches in all things are to try always to approach interactions with kindness, compassion, understanding and with sole interest in aiding the resolve of whatever troubling situation has been presented. We’re not perfect, we’re human and sometimes don’t necessarily meet the expectations - but we always try. FIG’s foundation is in service to others: with kindness, empathy, patience, consideration and care. We care. I care.
“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.” – Amelia Earhart
What if we all took a breath when we feel uncomfortable or frightened? What if we made a conscious choice to give the benefit of the doubt, remember that the perpetrator of our personal grievance may have had some terrible news recently? What if we thought about the possibility that the, whatever it is that has happened, might be the result of just plain fear and we have the opportunity to show compassion, understanding and care for the other? What if we shifted the diamond of our thinking and reacting, ever so slightly, to think with more empathy - to imagine the situation from the other’s perspective? What if…..?
Until next time…...